It's like walking on snow.

I think we might have something. I saw a little spark there. Or am I just imagining things? I hope I'm not. But I don't have any expectations. I know exactly where that will lead me and I don't want to end up there again. But I really do see something when we talk. You're cute. And you don't find guys like you very often. I'm a little bit into you.

I told you so.

Wow. I was right. Completely spot on. I knew it. You are so scared of showing people who you truly are. That's why you lie so much. It's sad. So so sad. I know I said it before but grow a pair and man up. Come on. You could be so much better than this. You never will be be but you could. This just helps me move along. I can now let you go and not think anything of you or "us" anymore. I'm so proud of myself for moving on like this. It doesn't usually happen. But I know now what I always have known. I shouldn't just settle for second best. I deserve so much better than you.

Oh and remember what you said before? How now just wasn't the right time for you, for us? Well guess what, I don't think there is ever going to be a right time for us. Ever.

A dream comes true... 242 days.

I don't think that I have ever been this excited for anything in my life before. I have dreamed about going to my favorite place in the world with my best friend before but I never actually thought it would actually happen. I can't believe that we are going together, to Disneyland, for a week. This is incredible. It's so far away but I don't care. It makes me smile and so happy just to imagine what it's going to be like. First of all, going to Los Angeles, just me and you, wow. Being on an airplane together, crazy. Staying in a hotel just us across the street from Disneyland, insane. Walking into Disneyland with my best friend, incredible. We're going to be walking through Disneyland together like giddy three year olds, eating ice cream, shopping on main street, wearing tiaras, going on rides together, getting pictures with characters, watching all the shows and fireworks, taking so many pictures, laughing our heads off, and making so many unforgettable memories. I get those excited Disneyland butterflies just thinking about it. This is a dream coming true. Best friends in Disneyland together, priceless.

I love you Sarah and I can't wait. This is going to be the time of our lives.

Tell me another lie.

I hate how hard it is for me to let myself think I'm beautiful. I want to believe that I'm beautiful, that I'm worth it, that someone is going to want me, but I don't. And I hate that, I hate that about myself. I don't have the strength to believe it. People tell me all these things and I hear them and I'm flattered by it all but I have never believed any of it. I so badly want to but I can't. And I don't know why. It kills me inside. It rips me apart. It's why I cry myself to sleep. It's why I'm sad. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I'm done hurting. I need it to stop. I need someone to show me how to believe. To show me that I'm beautiful, to make me feel worth it. I just need somebody to love me.

My heart won't beat without you.

I want to feel those butterflies again. To feel nervous, to feel excited, to feel taken. I want to cuddle, hold hands, and just be with someone. And I wish more than anything to feel that first kiss on my lips. I dream about what it would feel like. But I want to know.

To be with you, just to be with you.

I need that imperfect someone that I can see perfectly. That can make me feel safe. That can make me feel wanted. That can make me feel perfect. I need that guy to call my own and to love completely. That guy I know will always be there, who won't care about the small things in life that don't matter, and who lives each day like it's his last... with me. I want to be loved, I want to feel safe, I want to feel unstoppable when I'm with him. I want to cuddle, I want to hold hands, I want to hug, I want to dance, I want to kiss. I want you. I don't know who you are yet but I know I'll find you. And when I do, that's when I'll understand why it never worked out with anyone else.

You're still the one.

Why do you bother? I don't understand. I really have nothing left to say. You're not worth it.

If roses are meant to be red...

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I do. I know it's not you that I should be missing, but I am. I know that things will never work between us, but I want them to. I know it's wrong, but I want it to be right. I know you're bad for me, but I can't help what I feel. I know it's not you I really miss, but I don't know that's true anymore. Maybe I'm kidding myself. Maybe it's you I really miss. Maybe it was you who I missed last night. Maybe it's you who I wanted to be laying there with. But then I stop and think. You're the one who hurt me. You're the one who lied to me. You're the one who lost me. It' s not me who hurt you. It's not me who lied to you. It's not me who lost you. You should be the one feeling this way. I don't think you do. But if you do, I don't want to know. I'm scared that if I knew you felt that way, I would take you back.

Don't look back.

One day I hope you see me and think that should be me. That should be me holding your hand. That should be me making you laugh. That should be me feeling your kiss. That should be me giving you gifts. That should be me holding you close. That should be me giving you flowers. That should be me telling you you're beautiful. That should be me. That should've been me.

Like we used to.

I miss cuddling. I miss hugging. I miss laughing. I miss smiling. I miss flirting. I miss having butterflies. I miss having no appetite because I was so nervous and excited. I miss telling people I have a boy. I miss liking someone. I miss dreaming and thinking about someone all the time. I miss cute text messages. I miss being called babe. I miss 20 questions. I miss sharing secrets. I miss being excited to see someone. I miss wanting to be with someone. I miss feeling perfect. I miss real life being better than a dream. I miss waking up and feeling instantly happy. I miss being called beautiful. I miss being thought of by someone else. I miss feeling wanted by someone else. I miss what I thought you were. But I don't miss you.

Always Midnight.

Sometimes I don't think I'm pretty. I don't think I'm good enough. I don't think I'm the girl that any guy is going to want. I never feel good enough. Ever. I hate that I think these things but I can't stop myself. I want to think I'm beautiful, think I'm confident, think I'm someones perfect match. But I don't. And when I tell myself those things, I feel like I'm lying. I know that self confidence is what people are attracted to. I want to have self confidence. I tell people I have self confidence. I've tried to tell myself I have self confidence. But I don't. I had it once, and that's when I was happiest; when I thought that I could do anything, believed in myself completely. Since then, I've had glimpses, but they've faded away. I blame the heartbreak. I blame the inexperience. I blame the disappointment. I blame myself. I hate how I think of myself but I don't know any different.

The more I think, the more I know.

You meant it. You meant it all. You weren't scared of hurting me, you were scared of your own feelings. You lied to your friends, you lied to me, you lied to yourself because you were scared at the thought of real emotion, real feelings, really wanting someone and scared of them not wanting you back. I'm not stupid. I can see through your lies, your games, your tricks. I know you and I know who you used to be. You were different. You are different. You're not the person everyone thinks you are. That's why you're running from the truth; from yourself. You don't want to be the person everyone thinks you're not. Because that person is real, and wants to be romantic and cute and affectionate. That's the person I know, that I saw, that I wanted. But I know who you need to be. Who you are. And I don't like that you. So if you ever discover and decide to be the person you really are, come back to me. Because that part of you is what I wanted, and what I saw as perfect through all the other imperfections. That's the part of you no one else will ever see. You don't have to say anything anymore because I know the truth. You may never say it to me, to anyone, but I know. I'm glad I saw that part of you. The real part of you. I hate that it's gone now. I hate that you pushed it aside. You pushed me aside with it. I thought I would hurt longer than this, I thought I would want more of an explanation than this, but I don't anymore. I don't hurt. I understand. I can move on. But you, I see now that you're the one that's hurting, you're the one that doesn't understand, you're the one that won't be able to move on. Because you don't know the truth, you don't understand the truth. Because all that you need to know, you've hidden it from yourself. You've neglected it. But you've chosen this path. You've chosen to be someone else. I hate that this is the person you've chosen to be but I'm not the one who has to live with that. It's you that has to.

It doesn't hurt, I don't feel anything.

I hate you. You're a complete ass hole. I don't understand how you could do this to me. Why did you lie? Why did you tell me you wanted to be with me? Why did you turn around and say you didn't want to be with me? Nothing you said or did makes any sense. You tell people so many different stories. Do you have a heart? Did you ever like me? Or was it just your sex drive talking? I'm not easy. You knew that. So why did you choose me? I know somewhere in the pit of your soul, you liked me. You wanted to be with me. But your shallow brain didn't want to admit it. We're you embarrassed that you liked me? Is that why you wanted it to be a secret romance? Am I that much of a disgrace to like? What you did makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel worthless, like a rock you just pick up and skip across the water. I don't want to feel that way, because I know it's not the truth. I look at you and think of how you made me feel and I feel sick to my stomach that I ever believed any of it. Do you know that I liked you? A lot? Do you know that you made me feel loved, wanted, and perfect? Absolutely perfect? Do you know that you hurt me? Put me down? Made me feel like a toy you play with once and then just put back on the shelf for later? Now I know how it feels to be played. To be used. To be lied to. To have your heart ripped out of your chest and thrown on the ground. I thought you cared. I thought I made you happy. I thought you wanted me. I saw you and got butterflies. I wanted to hold your hand. I wanted to kiss you. I wanted to spend every single day with you. I hate that I ever felt that way. You say you're sorry, but I know you're not. You say I'm amazing, but do I believe that? You say not now, but later. Do you even mean that? Do I even want that? I hate you, so much. This is worse than a person you love breaking up with you. You completely destroyed my heart, and I know you don't care. I know that you'll act like nothing happened. You already have. You can't even look me in the eyes. But grow a pair and man up. Admit that you liked me, admit you wanted to be with me, admit what you did was wrong, admit that you want me back. You never will because you're incapable of being a man. You'll always be a scared little boy who runs from his feelings and is too shallow to admit that he may be capable of loving someone. Because that's not cool. Because it's not cool to love someone. It's much cooler to play around with a girls heart and lie to her and tell her cute, nice things with no meaning actually behind them. It's much cooler to make a girl fall for you and then just turn around and act like nothing happened and just let her go, without an explanation. Well guess what, it's not cooler. You're not cool. Nothing you will ever become will be cool. You're the epitome of a loser. You're just another boy that will never be a man.

A dreamer that should've known better.

Well, I guess that ends what I thought could've been us. I knew it was coming, I just didn't want to believe it. But I'm ok. I'll get back up... again. You were an ass hole, and I fell for your tricks. You should feel bad and I know you do. You hurt me. I know you didn't want to but you did just that. This will teach you not to lie. Because someone just ends up getting hurt. And it's always the person you're trying not to hurt. But we'll still be friends, because I wouldn't want to lose what we have already. Soon, you'll wake up and realize that you lost something that could've been amazing, perfect, and beautiful. And you'll want it back. Maybe I'l give it to you, but it will take a lot more than just asking.

Without you things go hazy.

All I think about is you. I want to see you again. I want to be with you again. All I think about is you.

No one else.

...I try but I can't seem to get myself to think of anything but you.

...we know what I came here for, so I won't ask for more. I wanna be with you, if only for one night; to be the one whose in your arms, who holds you tight. I wanna be with you, there's nothing else to say. There's nothing else I want more than to feel this way.

...how beautiful it is just to be like this.

...I can't fight this feeling anymore. It drives me cray when I try to so call my name, take my hand, make my wish.

...I wanna be with you; there's nothing more to say.

Through the pain of leaving.

You. You make me so happy. Even though we said we shouldn't, we kind of did. Well, you did. I've never felt so happy, so comfortable, so right with someone before until last night. We just fit like two pieces of a puzzle. You do all the right things without even knowing that what you do is what I want. You ask all the right questions and make me feel at home. You make sure that I'm comfortable, that I'm taken care of, that what we're doing is what I want to do. You're selfless when we're together. I don't care anymore that you might be leaving. I want to be with you. I want to spend everyday with you until you leave. I want to be with you; you make me happy. I want to get my first kiss from you. I want to go for walks and hold hands and just simply be together. We can just sit there and say nothing at all and I'm happy. I know it's what you want too. I know you want to be together. You wouldn't have done the things you did last night if you didn't want me, if you didn't want us. I know that you're scared of how hard possibly leaving each other will be but now, no matter what, when or if you leave, it will be hard. I'm willing to fight through that pain of you leaving because I know that these next couple months together would be amazing. I hope you feel the same. I just want you. You make me feel perfect. Absolutely perfect.

And here come the walls, crashing down.

I think I have the worst luck when it comes to guys. As soon as everything is going right, something comes into the picture that takes it all away. I hope to God that you don't move away. I hope to God that even if you do, you realize what we have is special and you end up not caring about the distance. I wish for more time. I wish you could be the one. I wish you weren't leaving. Maybe you aren't. Maybe things will work out. Maybe everything will be ok and turn out like they were supposed to, like how we planned.

Please, spare me of more heart break and make this work. Let me have what I've wanted for so long. I'm so close. I can't bare it being taken away from me again, like it was all the times before. Please, let me be yours, and let you be mine.

I would've never guessed it would be you.

For the way you're something that I never choose

But at the same time something I don't want to lose

And never wanna be wihtout ever again

You're the best thing I never knew I needed

So when you were here, I had no idea

...I must admit you weren't apart of my book

You could be my accidental happily ever after